The Real Iron Men (Mentoring 1 of 2)

[I was privileged to have an article on mentoring published for Immersion Online recently and have permission to put it on my blog - Enjoy]

Of all the relationships I’ve had in my life there are a few that have really stood out above the rest. Notably, those in which I have sat at the feet of another as an attentive learner have proven to be the most valuable, especially in those cases where the things being learned were matters of the heart or character. These individuals are my mentors.

Several years ago I became acutely aware of how poor I was at encouraging others. I had received negative feedback from some individuals that I supervised and there was a common thread in what they said. All of them felt that I was good with constructive criticism but poor at delivering positive feedback or recognition for accomplishments. Later, I had the opportunity to observe someone in a ministry context who was very good at encouraging. I served under his leadership and watched him in action. During this time I noted how much people enjoyed serving him. I said to myself, “I want to be like him.” And so I began meeting with him regularly to provide myself the opportunity to learn from him.

During our sessions together I would ask him for advice on how to handle various relational situations. I’d bring my own ideas and then compare them to his recommendations. Over time I realized the difference in our approaches. I was very task oriented whereas he was very people oriented. Once I understood this, I began to model his behavior because I had come to understand that you cannot lead effectively without balancing both. Since then I have been more generous with praise and encouragement.

What happened between this seasoned pastor and I was the formation of a mentoring relationship. I learned a lot more about myself through our dialogues than just the insight into what limited me from being more encouraging. At first it wasn’t really a formal mentoring relationship, but over the years I learned more about what mentoring was and I recognized our relationship for what it was. At that point I decided to formalize it and asked him to be my mentor. I believe this was an important step because it established a mutually agreed upon parameter for our relationship that gave him more freedom to speak into my life.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Herein is a fundamental Biblical truth. It is interesting to note how deeply this bit of conventional wisdom has permeated our culture. If you run an internet search on “iron sharpens iron” you might be surprised how many organizations have formed around the concept and how much literature has been generated that espouses it.

When it comes to sharpening a blade, there are two basic ways to accomplish this. One way would be to use something abrasive, like a grinding stone, which would remove some of the metal from the blade to create an edge. During this process, care must be taken to ensure that the heat that is created is not too great; otherwise, the blade will lose its temper and will not be able to maintain an edge. Another method is to use a sharpening steel to true the blade. When steel is employed to sharpen the blade none of the metal is removed. Instead, the tiny metallic fibers that have folded over from cutting are pushed back into alignment. When using this metaphor I think of the Holy Spirit as the one who has the ability to create the initial edge through the grinding process. Then, once the blade has a fine edge, the mentors in our lives help keep it true through small adjustments that bring us back into alignment. I believe this is exactly the point of the proverb where one man sharpens another.

So how does one find a suitable mentor? For effective mentoring to occur you should select someone who is above your station in some aspect. You may want to learn a practical skill or, more importantly, you may wish to strengthen a character trait or even refine some of your values. When I say “above your station” I mean someone you can readily acknowledge exhibits a character quality you desire that is superior to your own ability. There is something significant about arriving at this admission. I call it a teachable spirit. Humility is an important factor in the mentoring relationship. Without it you will find that your ego is constantly getting in the way and you will soon discover yourself reacting defensively to the mentor’s honing instead of listening to his or her counsel.

There is another important consideration that you should keep in mind when looking for a mentor. Avoid choosing someone who exhibits a significant moral failure or who has a major flaw in their character. These things tend to pervade all aspects of their life. Their modeling will be flawed and their counsel will undoubtedly become tainted as well. Whenever possible, it is prudent to avoid placing yourself in situations where you have to separate the wheat from the chaff. Inevitably, some chaff always remains in the wheat.

Also, you need to be transparent with your mentor. The more you share about yourself, the better your mentor will be able to guide you. For instance, if you share with your mentor a decision you made and the resulting outcome then go a step further and share the motivations behind the decision and the feelings you experienced as a result of the outcome. Those two bookends provide much more information for your mentor to work with than what is in between. The decision and any analysis behind it provide a measure of your competence but the motivations and feelings reveal your heart and that is what your mentor needs to see to be most effective. Improvements in your competence are good but improvements in your character are of far greater value.

Finally, pray that God would bring wise mentors into your life. Proverbs 11:14 says, “…in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” What a blessing it is to have trusted mentors that can give you their counsel as you face the many challenges that life will throw at you along your journey. Look also for opportunities to be a mentor to others for, “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8).

Music Review: Classical Guitars Christmas

During high school I had the privilege of becoming best friends with John Troncoso and we are still friends today. Although we don't get to see each other often, we both enjoy the occasions that we do. Last year my family and John's family got together over Thanksgiving weekend. John's parents dropped by to visit for a while as well and we were privileged to receive our own personal, impromptu concert in John's living room.

John and Jose (John's father) have been playing classical guitar together for over 30 years. They had recently completed a recording project called, you guessed it, "Classical Guitars Christmas". I love Christmas music and I have a pile of such CD's at home. However, I find myself listening to just a couple of them repeatedly and relegate the others to a dusty pile in the back of the cabinet. Last year, I put this one on the top of my short preferred list. Yes, it's even pushed the original, and highly vaunted, Mannheim Steamroller Christmas down a position. In fact, we bought about a dozen of them and gave them always as Christmas gifts to our friends and family last year. I realize that it is expected that I should give high praise to help promote my friend's CD but, seriously, it's really that good.

If you happen to be looking for something new to spice up your Christmas music selection then I'd encourage you to consider getting a copy for yourself if you didn't already get one from us. The title here (Classical Guitars Christmas) is a clickable link to their web site where you can learn more about the CD and even order a copy if you like. Since John and Jose are incredibly accomplished guitarists and have been playing together for so long, they offer a very distinctive musical quality. The CD was also recorded with John in the left channel and Jose in the right so that when it is played it would simulate the sound you would hear if they were sitting in your living room giving you a private concert.

Aside from having a personal relationship with John and Jose and the quality of the music, the thing I most appreciate about this CD is knowing that the two people behind it are committed Christians. I love listening to my Mannheim Steamroller CD at Christmas but for me it adds so much more to know the heart of the artists behind the music. Because Christmas is all about Christ it adds so much more to the music to know that the artist truly engages the music at all levels: Body, mind, and spirit.

Donfaer's Adventures in Everquest

[This is the third and final installment on my online gaming interest. I realize it's been a long series but I have thought about it for some time and wanted to share this part of my life with everyone since it is my favorite pastime. Hopefully, you will enjoy the telling of the tale. Someone commented recently that my blog is too serious and could use some lightheartedness. Hopefully, this will be just that.]

Hail and well met. My name is Donfaer (see my picture to the left) and I am a guardian of the 70th level. To put things in perspective, that was the highest rank achievable until just recently. The world I come from is called Norrath and racially I am half-elven. If you have any jokes you'd like to tell me about half-breeds I'll laugh with you right up to the moment you become a new scabbard for my sword and we both stop laughing. I trust you get the point?

Now, where was I… Oh yes, Norrath. Mine is a world filled with wonder, adventure, and danger. Here there be elves and dwarves, trolls and ogres, gnomes and halflings, and many other sentient races. Norrath is also a magical world where the physical laws can be molded and shaped by the will of the caster through his knowledge of the arcane. Someone once told me of a sage from your world named Tolkien. Well, if you are familiar with his writings then you should have a fair picture of the world of Norrath. Ours is a land where the battle between good and evil is constantly waged and a few good and courageous souls rise up to stand in the gap.

Through the power of the amazing mystical device you call a kompewter, some of the us in my world are able to become avatars of the people from yours and allow them to experience our realm. In fact, I am the avatar of one named Greg from your world. He has told me that he is a master of the mystical kompewter and has regaled me with tales of his exploits using said device. Most of the time his explanations make as much sense to me as a Gigglegibber Goblin. Furthermore, I think maybe he embellishes things a bit. Perhaps someday we'll find a way to enter your world and see things truly for ourselves.

I digress so let's get back to the subject at hand. Avatars… I still remember the first time I found myself an avatar of Greg. Oh yes, it was quite a mess indeed. The poor sod hardly knew which end of the sword was which. He very nearly got me killed quite a few times. And a few other times he even managed to accomplish the deed. Fortunately, in Norrath death is a little less permanent than I understand it is in your world and our good cleric was able to resuscitate me after the rest of the group rallied together and took down our the foe. Yes indeed, those clerics sure come in handy at times. I suppose you probably need a bit of an explanation here though. You see, when you go off on adventure here in Norrath you want to make sure you are part of a group of people that have complimentary skills. As a guardian, I am a member of the warrior class. My job is to make sure that the opponents we challenge keep their attention on me because I am exceedingly strong and well trained in hand-to-hand combat. I can wear the heaviest of armor and learn the skills necessary to guard those who accompany me and keep them from harm. However, I know nothing about healing magics and couldn't call a fireball out of the ether to light a campfire, let alone send one hurtling at a foe. We refer to those folks squishies and they affectionately call us tanks. Some classes deal out major damage through magics or offensive combat while others can mesmerize foes with illusions or bring other creatures in to battle. There's a bit of rivalry between us all at times but I think that both sides understand that we couldn't work well without each other. I understand there was another sage from your world called the Apostle Paul who talked about people being different parts of the body and such. It's an intriguing concept and it serves as an adequate analogy methinks.

Greg told me during our first encounter that he usually had one of the wizard or healer classes as an avatar in his prior experiences. It still boggles my mind to know that he had a cleric avatar from 500 years in my past in the world of Norrath. I understand that you refer to these two time periods as Everquest 1 and Everquest 2. You certainly are peculiar people. Anyway, it seems that Greg wanted to get out of his comfort zone and take charge more. So he decided to select an avatar from the warrior class and assume a leadership role. Since tanks are the ones who coordinate the flow of battle it is generally they who serve as the group leader. Well, Greg came to the right place when he selected me. I can definitely say that he has learned quite a bit about leadership as a guardian.

There's nothing quite as satisfying as being what we call a "raid tank" during a large offensive. Having 20+ people count on you to keep the opponent focused solely on yourself is quite a rush. During every moment you are aware that if you lose control it's likely all over. For every second that you don't maintain control your friends will drop like snowflakes in a fireball and if you don't get it back quickly it ends in what we call a wipe and it's time to bring out the clerics. Of course when a wipe occurs the blame does not always fall on the guardian. Everyone has a part to play and it is imperative that they play it right. Some of the other classes can dish out quite a bit of damage, you see, and that can really get the attention of a foe. We guardians do our best to poke here and jab there with both weapons and insults but if a wizard or a swashbuckler decides to let loose a bit too dramatically, even the best guardian is going to lose control of the situation. It's also imperative that the healers continually flood us with protective wards and healing magics during combat. Just the other day a whole group wiped because the healer's user decided to go make something called "microwave popcorn". Now I don't have a clue what that is but let me just say that when your tank is standing toe-to-toe with a fire breathing dragon and the damage ward doesn't get refreshed it's a rather illuminating experience.

I suppose that for some of you this sounds a bit whacky. In fact, Greg confided in me that he was a little hesitant to even share this part of his life for concern of what some of you might think or judgments you might make. Believe me, some of the things that I have heard about your world sound equally strange. For example, I just don't get the fascination you all have with games involving putting small spheres of various shapes and sizes into small goals of various shapes and sizes. I don't think Greg really understands it either since he has trouble explaining it to me. Apparently, it is considered quite honorable to be something called an armchair athlete in your world but the thing you call virtual reality is disparaged and looked down upon by a large portion of your society. And yet I hear that many of you sit and watch small boxes filled with avatars of other people pretending to be someone else for your amusement and that this too is socially acceptable recreation. How strange. Anyway, Greg thought that you might find it more interesting and insightful to hear things from my perspective.

One thing we both understand is that Greg needs to be careful about how much time he spends here in Norrath. Although this world is very real to me I can see how his spending time here could prevent him from being a brave warrior fighting darkness in his own world. Oddly enough, he tells me that sometimes my world can serve as a battleground for good in his world. Now that makes my head spin so I'm not going to go any farther down that road. Besides, he indicated that he has already explained all of that to you.

I'd like to chat more but Greg says his break time is over and he needs to work more on the kompewter. And, I must confess, I find your world rather tedious and there are goblins to fight and treasure to loot here in Norrath, so let me bring this all to a close with some final comments. In the past, there have been times when Greg has spent a bit too much time running around in Norrath and caused his relationships in your world to suffer. Even though there are some wonderful people here, Greg realizes that there are much more important things to do and people for him to fellowship with in the "real" world, most notably his lovely wife [By the way, I've met her and she is one beautiful lady] . Now, that being said, it is also true that Greg finds great recreation, fellowship and value in Everquest. The crux of the issue then is one of balance. Greg is committed to finding that balance and would appreciate your help in that regard. And, of course, you are also welcome to have a rousing good time with Greg and myself here in Norrath. It would be an honor to meet some of you in person someday should there be an adventurous spirit hiding inside of you. The land of Kunark, lost since the cataclysm, has been rediscovered here in Norrath and there is much to explore and learn. So until we meet: Excelsior!

Virtual Friends

It's been challenging to figure out how to summarize my online gaming experiences in a bite size chunk suitable for a blog entry. I've played numerous multiplayer online games over nearly the last decade but favorites were Everquest 1 & 2 so I'll just limit myself to talking about my experiences in those virtual game worlds. In this entry I'd like to focus primarily on some of the relational aspects of my Everquest experience.

My EQ1 adventures began around six years ago when a colleague/friend at work invited me to join his group. About half of the guild he was in was made up of people living here in the Boise area. They met once or twice a month for lunch at a local pizza place and when I started playing I instantly had over a dozen new friends when I joined their community. I really enjoyed the camaraderie we shared as we laughed about past foibles in the Everquest world or planned out our future endeavors together. On a couple of occasions we even got together for dinner and invited our spouses. At one such dinner we even had a couple from the guild who lived in Oklahoma drive all the way up to Boise to meet us. They were an interesting couple. They had met in-game, dated, and then got married (in the real world). This may sound strange but I've known several couples who met online like that and ultimately married. Anyway, I really enjoyed the opportunity to get out of my normal sphere of relationships which tended to be friends that I knew from church and ministry involvement. I felt it was good because it gave me an opportunity to take my light out from under the bushel so-to-speak. Too often we Christians isolate ourselves from contact with people "in the world".

My colleague and I became much better friends after we started gaming together. I think it was Plato who said, "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." I got to know him much better through play than I ever did through work. Unfortunately, he went through a rather painful divorce a short time later. Instead of using gaming to medicate he looked for other more social opportunities and later began dating. We kept the friendship going over the next few years though. Often we'd get in long discussions about the Christian faith. Later in our relationship after he had remarried he even gave me the opportunity to come over to his house and share the basics of the Gospel with him and after that he visited our church. His new wife was also a believer and I think he was just trying to sort things out. Somewhere inside I think he genuinely wanted to believe but just had trouble with certain aspects of the Christian Faith. Later, things changed at work and our relationship drifted apart. I wish it hadn’t and I accept the majority of the blame for it. I'd like to get together with him again. In fact, I just sent him an email to see if he'd like to do just that.

Our guild leader, and personal friend of my aforementioned colleague, worked out at the Micron PC site which was going through tough times. We encouraged him to apply for a job at the parent company since there was an opening in my group. He had great qualifications so I hired him into the group I managed at the time and soon we were all working together. It was a fun season until things became tense as Micron went through its own round of layoffs in 2003 and work conditions deteriorated. Oh well, that's another story.

After I had played EQ1 for a while my son decided that he would like to play the game as well. At the time I had proven myself as a very competent player and was fairly involved in one of the premier guilds on the server. Most of my friends from the Boise guild joined this larger guild so we could play some of the most difficult content the game had to offer that required 50-80+ people to complete. However, my son was having difficulty getting his character up to a high enough level with good enough equipment to accompany us. It was more important for me to game with him so I sold my EQ1 character and we waited a few months for EQ2 to come out. I still remember how excited both of us were to play together from level 1. It was great father and son time. I still think of those first few weeks of EQ2 as some of the most fun we've ever had together.

During our second week playing EQ2 we met a group of people who became some of our best in-game friends over the next few years. After we had played together for a while we formed a guild and added more people to our ranks. We had a lot of great times together. Even so, it's not all roses and sunshine. Sometimes people have differences of opinion that develop into conflicts or maybe they just get on each others nerves. Virtual worlds can be just like the real one in many senses. For example, our guild leader, Cord (his in-game character name), and I had a conflict once. I had a sense of humor that he found somewhat irritating and one day he let me know about it quite emphatically. I logged off and sulked like a kid for a few days before reconnecting with him to work things out. After that, we got along much better. I learned something valuable about being careful with my humor and was a better person for it. Several months later Hurricane Katrina hit the area that Cord lived in. I ended up leading a team from my church down to New Orleans and I offered to bring them over to help Cord with his house. He was very blessed by the offer but informed me that he and his dad were fortunate and that they were able to get the trees off of their houses a few days before I had arrived. We wanted to meet in person but the long drive around the lake and the curfew imposed prevented us from doing so. Cord decided to retire from EQ in order to help his family rebuild their lives in the wake of Katrina. I miss him but I fondly remember the relationship we shared for a time in the world of EQ.

One of the things that people like about virtual worlds is the anonymity that they provide. Many times people with disabilities, unattractive appearances, etc. can socialize in a way that they couldn't in a normal setting. Although this is a sad situation, I think it is good that they can get past those limiting attributes and be accepted for who they are on the inside when they visit a virtual world. Obviously this can be good and bad, especially when taken to extremes. Although some people choose to hide who they are in real life for various reasons, I am always very open about who I am. In our small EQ2 guild I became dubbed as "The Counselor" because I was always willing to talk with people who were struggling in life. I posted a biography about myself on the guild website and in that biography I shared that I was a deeply devoted Christian who was involved in marriage ministry in my church. As a result, people saw me as a person that they could go to for help. I specifically remember two people who came to me for help with their marriages. I was completely candid about my lack of formal credentials but that didn't bother them in the slightest because they had really come to appreciate me for qualities I demonstrated during gameplay. One of them really just wanted someone to talk to who was willing to listen and offer occasional feedback. Another was genuinely seeking help and I steered him in the direction of some materials that I thought would help him address some issues in his marriage. I also suggested that perhaps he needed to spend less time with EQ and more time with his wife. He agreed and I was sorry to see him retire from the game but I was glad to know that he was putting his marriage first.

Those are just a few highlights of my experiences that I hope will provide some insight into how relational online computer games can be. When I game in a virtual world I have a choice. I can hide behind a mask of anonymity or I can open my heart to others. It's no different than the choice I have in the real world.

"Is this a game or is it real?"

In the 1983 movie Wargames a young hacker named David is not sure whether he has merely been caught up in a computer simulation of World War 3 or if he actually triggered the real thing when he hacked into the military's computer system. So he asks the computer, "Is this a game, or is it real?" To which the computer responds, "What's the difference?"

Nearly 25 years later that dialog is even more intriguing when applied to the subject of virtual reality. In 1999 the question was explored in greater detail in the movie The Matrix. That same year there was a much lesser known (but better in my opinion) movie called The Thirteenth Floor that also explored virtual worlds. Finally, there was another event in 1999 that was a significant milestone in the development of virtual worlds, namely a computer game called Everquest.

Everquest is referred to as a massive multi-player on-line role-playing game or MMORPG for short. So what does that mean? Essentially, it is a virtual world similar to the one inhabited by Neo in The Matrix or the one created by Dr. Hannon Fuller in The Thirteenth Floor. However, it is in a more Tolkienesque fantasy setting and the interface is a standard Windows PC since we haven't yet created the sophisticated technology necessary to allow us to "jack in" with our actual consciousness. Although it wasn't the first such virtual world on the scene it did something well that no other game had done before. It gave the user the ability to experience the world from the first-person perspective. So, instead of looking at a little graphic representation of your character on the screen you experienced the virtual world as if you were looking out of your character's eyes. It also offered a persistent world that was inhabited by other players. Everquest quickly exploded into a cultural phenomenon that became a virtual home to millions of people.

If you think I exaggerate then I invite you to consider this: In 2001 a study was done on the monetary exchange within the Everquest virtual world that concluded that if Everquest were a real country its population of two million would be the 77th richest in the world, placing it between Russia and Bulgaria with a higher per capita GDP than China. By 2004 the Everquest virtual world had a total GDP that exceeded that of many smaller countries. Some of the virtual items in the game were selling on eBay in excess of $1,000 and well equipped characters could easily sell for several thousand. The leading MMORPG today, World of Warcraft, boasts nearly 10 million subscribers.

So what is it about Everquest that so fascinated millions of people? In a word: Community. In a stroke of sheer genius the creators of Everquest chose to design a world that practically required cooperation among the players in order to succeed and progress in the game. Although a person could choose to play solo, the most challenging and interesting places could not be visited alone and the best items in the game could not be attained without the assistance of others. Players were gently forced to form relationships with other players who's characters complimented their own. For example, a fighter could do battle against opponents for a short time with his heavy armor and weapons but with the assistance of another player who's character had the ability to heal any wounds he sustained during combat he could take on much tougher opponents and fight much longer. Add to that a whole slew of other character classes with protective wards, invisibility, bolts of lightning, combat enhancements, crowd control, well… you get the idea.

The middle tier of game content required a group of around 3-6 players to operate effectively and the top tier required multiple groups of people. These multi-group organizations were called raid groups and you could have up to 72 players joined together in 12 groups of 6 all working together to cooperatively execute a very complex strategy to overcome a challenge in the game. Since it was not possible to effectively organize that many people ad-hoc, a social system evolved and gaming guilds were born. A guild is an association of players within the virtual world that have a set of common objectives. Within these guilds people would often form lasting friendships with other players and they would look forward to their next opportunity to enter Everquest and hang out with their virtual friends. This is what made Everquest, and other MMORPGs, something more than just a game. Real relationships were developed and maintained within the context of the virtual world and quite often the relationships formed transcended the virtual world and formed in the real world as well.

At this point some of you have probably already climbed up on your mental soapbox and have made one kind of judgment or another about Everquest or virtual reality in general. That's okay. Your just responding to past belief systems and stimulus like a Pavlovian dog (I'm just toying with you here). Don't feel bad. It's natural. We all tend to see things through a certain set of glasses. Let me invite you to try on a different pair.

First, let me come clean and admit what is probably obvious given my familiarity with this subject. I have been known to dabble in the world of Everquest. And, those of you who know me well also know that I have at times spent way too much time there. Can it be addictive and bring imbalance into a person's life? Absolutely. Does that mean that it is evil and must be shunned? In my opinion, no. Now, where were we? Oh yes, new glasses… So, here are some things I submit for you to ponder:

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  If our culture adopts virtual reality as a "normal" part of life how do we as Christians respond? Do we reject it as wrong and encourage the world to do the same or do we embrace it look for ways to use our common ground to bring unity? (1 Cor. 9:1-23)


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  Can the Great Commission be fulfilled in a virtual reality? (Matthew 28:18-20)


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  What can we learn about people, relationships, community and, dare I say it, ourselves in the context of virtual worlds?


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  (This one will really bend your mind) Is this world, in fact, a virtual world from the perspective of the reality of Heaven? (1 Peter 2:11-12, 1 Cor. 13:12)

That's a bit of an introduction for those of you who may not be familiar with virtual worlds. And for those of you who are I hope it got you thinking. I've decided that I would like to add this aspect of my life to my blog and I felt I needed to establish a foundation. In the very near future I will add some more personal experiences and reflections on the subject.

To bring things full circle let me close with this question: If real community and real relationships happen within the context of a virtual gaming world, is it a game or is it real?