The Beginning of Faith is the End of Worry

Yesterday the rumors became a reality at my company and a formal announcement was made that there would be restructuring and also some inevitable layoffs. I went to work this morning wondering if I would have a job or a severance package when I got there. I learned today that I still have a job for now but my department will be affected significantly over the next few weeks and months by layoffs and outsourcing. I don't do well with this kind of stress. I am conservative and risk adverse. Here are some of the things that went through my mind in no certain order:

· How will I pay the bills?
· Will I be able to find a job in Boise or will I be forced to move?
· How will I pay for the school I have committed to sending my son to next year?
· Should I get second mortgage while I can and consolidate the medical bills?
· How will I afford internet access?
· How much do I need to live on?
· Will I lose my house?
· How can I provide for my family?
· What does this mean for my plans to enter the ministry?
· What is God wanting to teach me?
· Where is God?

Amidst all the stress and anxiety I kept trying to remember my identity as a Christian and how I am supposed to behave. It seemed my head and my heart were at war within me. In my mind I kept replaying a quote my wife sent me recently: "The beginning of worry is the end of faith and the beginning of faith is the end of worry." Those kind of quotes just seem so wonderful until you are in the midst of life's struggles. There was another thought that I kept having that was not so hopeful: "The God that I am putting my faith in is the same God that let all but one of the disciples die for their faith." I didn't like the odds.

I want a God made in my image. I want one that I can depend on to fix my problems when they arise. After all, isn't that what gods are for? Oops, I seem to have lost a capital "G" there. Doesn't God want me to be happy and prosperous? Maybe I should memorize all those happy scriptures that line up with my egocentric theology and join the First Church of Prosperity. In fact, this whole mess is God's fault. If I had saved more money instead of tithing I'd be in a much better financial position. Don't I deserve God to rescue me since I've been so good to him?

Did I really think all those things? Well, no, I just threw the one about changing churches in for dramatic effect. I am ashamed to say that I did dwell on all of the others for a bit, however, I am not going to let those attitudes take root in my heart. I know that my God is much bigger than all of that. In fact, it may very well be that God is in the process of answering some of the prayers I have offered up to him. I remember one that I prayed just a few weeks ago that went something like this: "God, I pray that you will conform me to your image - no matter the cost. Make me into the person I need to be in order to take on the responsibilities of ministry. Give me a pastor's heart."

I am faced with a choice. I can become a victim of my circumstances and make everyone around me miserable by covering myself in sackcloth and ashes. Or, I can rise above my circumstances and trust in God to work his perfect will in my life. I can maximize the value of the trial by saying: "God, help me to learn from this and be a better husband, father, friend, and colleague through it. Thank you for loving me enough to throw me into the refiner's fire."

I choose the latter and I ask you to hold me accountable to that. Thanks to Sharon, Chad, Trevor, and A.W. Tozer for your love and your wisdom when I needed it.