Life Exuberant

Last week I went on a hike into the Sawtooth Wilderness of Idaho with the Discipleship in Action (DIA) students from my church. This hike was to provide the students with an opportunity to get to know each other better and was also part of their training which focuses on character development. Many of these young men and women had never experienced mountains like we had here in Idaho and for some this was the first time they had attempted such a strenuous hike.

By contrast, I started hiking soon after I was out of diapers. I have visited hundreds of alpine lakes in the wilderness areas of Oregon, Washington, and Idaho and logged thousands of miles on backcountry trails. So, I was going along to help out as a friendly guide. I hoped that perhaps I would have an opportunity to share some of my wisdom and be allowed to speak into the lives of some of these students. How odd it seemed to me later when I realized that it was me who was receiving so much from them.

I've spent so much time in the alpine wilderness that I sometimes take for granted the majesty of God's creation. Watching so many of these students taking it all in with wide-eyed wonder reminded me of how privileged I was and how great is my God. It was pure joy to listen to them talk excitedly about how grand the mountains were or how clear and beautiful the water in the lakes was.

There was one event that spoke to me most profoundly though. We were all gathered on the shore of Sawtooth Lake and I recalled when I was a young teenager on just such a hike with my youth group. I remembered how much fun we had jumping into the ice cold water so I started shedding clothes and prepared to get in and lead the way. I've never been one for jumping in so I stepped out about halfway to my knees and stood for a few seconds waiting for my feet to get numb. Instead, they started sending jolts of agony up my spine as the icy tentdrils of the glacier fed lake stabbed into my flesh. I couldn't get out of the water fast enough. I tried a few more times and then confessed my defeat. Maybe it was just the seed that was needed though because one of the students (Cory) made her way down to the shore, perched on a rock, and then took the plunge.

Cory came up out of the water hollering with delight and after she got out and stood on the shore she encouraged the others to try it. As they came down to the water she gave them this wisdom: "Don't let your feet touch the water or you will feel how cold it is and lose your courage. Just get on the rock and jump in." What an incredible picture of faith. I knew the water was going to be cold and I was willing to make some sacrifice but I needed to know ahead of time how cold it was going to be. I needed to analyze it, measure it, and prepare myself for it. Once I took time to assess the cost I lost heart and allowed fear to overcome me. Some of the other students worked up the courage to jump in and others gathered close by to thinking about it so Cory dispensed some more wisdom: "Take someone's hand and do it together. It's easier if you do it with someone else." Indeed it is. That is the power of community. God designed us to live in community like this so that we could build each other up and do even greater things, things that we might not be able to accomplish on our own.

Sometimes we need encouragement from someone like Cory to rise up to the challenges in our lives and sometimes we need the shocking cold of glacier water to make us feel truly alive. And sometimes we need a slice of humble pie.

The Pruning Axe

The axe fell yesterday at my company (Micron Technology, Inc.). Although a lot of good people lost their jobs, it looks like I will be able to retain mine for now. I felt like I needed to say something in my blog since I mentioned that I was struggling with this issue. Now that I am on the other side I am not sure what to say. There are a lot of thoughts and emotions behind them.

I was very relieved that it was not me that was laid off but I was saddened for those who were. They were people like me with families, financial obligations, and future plans. Some of them I have worked with for years. The company will be poorer without them.

The future of the industry and Micron are uncertain. It is obvious that Micron cannot continue with “business as usual” and will have to make significant changes in order to compete against companies in foreign markets with lower labor costs, litigation costs, etc. The handwriting on the wall would seem to suggest that a lot of jobs will be outsourced to lower cost providers both domestic and foreign. My personal speculation is that the future for operational jobs is grim. It just doesn’t seem likely that Micron will invest the dollars necessary to upgrade the Boise fabs to make them cost competitive. Eventually the fabs will become too costly to operate, resulting in more lost jobs which would really hurt the local economy. Boise is just too small to easily absorb such a significant loss of jobs.

One thing that I have learned from this is the necessity of embracing change. Like companies, people need to be able to adapt to change. When we don’t we lose our effectiveness. To personalize it: I need to embrace change. I’ve always felt very secure in my profession but now I realize more than ever that nothing is certain. In fact, it is very uncertain and I must make changes to adapt to a shifting market.

More importantly, I’ve been reminded that I must depend more on God and less on myself. As with Job, I recognize that all I own and depend on for my security can be suddenly swept away. Only my relationship with God is lasting and worthy of my dependence. I can trust in Him to supply all of my needs.

Vision and Reality

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I know I've been quite an Eeyore lately but I am finding that putting my thoughts and emotions into words is helping me though these trials. I also hope that others will find value in what I share. So, here is my list:

• 
  Since my company announced layoffs last week I have gone to work each day wondering if it would be my last. The axe is looming above our heads and life at the office has been rather gloomy.


• 
  I've been struggling with my insurance company to get coverage for my son's surgery six months ago. The total is nearly $30K and I am beginning to wonder if they will cover any of it. They have been reprocessing the portions they initially covered to deny it and the bills are stacking up.


• 
  My son is preparing to move away for college and needs financial assistance for that as well as for his car which broke down right after we bought it.


• 
  There are some significant relational strugges in my immediate family that have left me raw emotionally.

Any one of these would be difficult by itself. All of them coming at onces seems insurmountable. Last night I threw my hands in the air and cried out, "God, why are you doing this to me? What lesson do you want me to learn? I can't take any more!"

This morning I believe God answered that cry of my heart through the daily devotional reading from Oswald Chambers' book, "My Utmost for His Highest". I include it here:

Vision and Reality

"And the parched ground shall become a pool." Isaiah 35:7

We always have visions, before a thing is made real. When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go on. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.

God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.

The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision. Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you.

===

"Lord, please forgive me for my irreverent attitude last night. Thank you for answering me and showing me that you have a purpose and that what you are doing is necessary. Help me to trust in you more and set aside my worry. Thank you for speaking so lovingly to me through my wife. Help me to be a blessing to her. In Jesus' name - Amen."

The Beginning of Faith is the End of Worry

Yesterday the rumors became a reality at my company and a formal announcement was made that there would be restructuring and also some inevitable layoffs. I went to work this morning wondering if I would have a job or a severance package when I got there. I learned today that I still have a job for now but my department will be affected significantly over the next few weeks and months by layoffs and outsourcing. I don't do well with this kind of stress. I am conservative and risk adverse. Here are some of the things that went through my mind in no certain order:

· How will I pay the bills?
· Will I be able to find a job in Boise or will I be forced to move?
· How will I pay for the school I have committed to sending my son to next year?
· Should I get second mortgage while I can and consolidate the medical bills?
· How will I afford internet access?
· How much do I need to live on?
· Will I lose my house?
· How can I provide for my family?
· What does this mean for my plans to enter the ministry?
· What is God wanting to teach me?
· Where is God?

Amidst all the stress and anxiety I kept trying to remember my identity as a Christian and how I am supposed to behave. It seemed my head and my heart were at war within me. In my mind I kept replaying a quote my wife sent me recently: "The beginning of worry is the end of faith and the beginning of faith is the end of worry." Those kind of quotes just seem so wonderful until you are in the midst of life's struggles. There was another thought that I kept having that was not so hopeful: "The God that I am putting my faith in is the same God that let all but one of the disciples die for their faith." I didn't like the odds.

I want a God made in my image. I want one that I can depend on to fix my problems when they arise. After all, isn't that what gods are for? Oops, I seem to have lost a capital "G" there. Doesn't God want me to be happy and prosperous? Maybe I should memorize all those happy scriptures that line up with my egocentric theology and join the First Church of Prosperity. In fact, this whole mess is God's fault. If I had saved more money instead of tithing I'd be in a much better financial position. Don't I deserve God to rescue me since I've been so good to him?

Did I really think all those things? Well, no, I just threw the one about changing churches in for dramatic effect. I am ashamed to say that I did dwell on all of the others for a bit, however, I am not going to let those attitudes take root in my heart. I know that my God is much bigger than all of that. In fact, it may very well be that God is in the process of answering some of the prayers I have offered up to him. I remember one that I prayed just a few weeks ago that went something like this: "God, I pray that you will conform me to your image - no matter the cost. Make me into the person I need to be in order to take on the responsibilities of ministry. Give me a pastor's heart."

I am faced with a choice. I can become a victim of my circumstances and make everyone around me miserable by covering myself in sackcloth and ashes. Or, I can rise above my circumstances and trust in God to work his perfect will in my life. I can maximize the value of the trial by saying: "God, help me to learn from this and be a better husband, father, friend, and colleague through it. Thank you for loving me enough to throw me into the refiner's fire."

I choose the latter and I ask you to hold me accountable to that. Thanks to Sharon, Chad, Trevor, and A.W. Tozer for your love and your wisdom when I needed it.