Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Real Iron Men (Mentoring 1 of 2)

[I was privileged to have an article on mentoring published for Immersion Online recently and have permission to put it on my blog - Enjoy]


Of all the relationships I’ve had in my life there are a few that have really stood out above the rest. Notably, those in which I have sat at the feet of another as an attentive learner have proven to be the most valuable, especially in those cases where the things being learned were matters of the heart or character. These individuals are my mentors.

Several years ago I became acutely aware of how poor I was at encouraging others. I had received negative feedback from some individuals that I supervised and there was a common thread in what they said. All of them felt that I was good with constructive criticism but poor at delivering positive feedback or recognition for accomplishments. Later, I had the opportunity to observe someone in a ministry context who was very good at encouraging. I served under his leadership and watched him in action. During this time I noted how much people enjoyed serving him. I said to myself, “I want to be like him.” And so I began meeting with him regularly to provide myself the opportunity to learn from him.

During our sessions together I would ask him for advice on how to handle various relational situations. I’d bring my own ideas and then compare them to his recommendations. Over time I realized the difference in our approaches. I was very task oriented whereas he was very people oriented. Once I understood this, I began to model his behavior because I had come to understand that you cannot lead effectively without balancing both. Since then I have been more generous with praise and encouragement.

What happened between this seasoned pastor and I was the formation of a mentoring relationship. I learned a lot more about myself through our dialogues than just the insight into what limited me from being more encouraging. At first it wasn’t really a formal mentoring relationship, but over the years I learned more about what mentoring was and I recognized our relationship for what it was. At that point I decided to formalize it and asked him to be my mentor. I believe this was an important step because it established a mutually agreed upon parameter for our relationship that gave him more freedom to speak into my life.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Herein is a fundamental Biblical truth. It is interesting to note how deeply this bit of conventional wisdom has permeated our culture. If you run an internet search on “iron sharpens iron” you might be surprised how many organizations have formed around the concept and how much literature has been generated that espouses it.

When it comes to sharpening a blade, there are two basic ways to accomplish this. One way would be to use something abrasive, like a grinding stone, which would remove some of the metal from the blade to create an edge. During this process, care must be taken to ensure that the heat that is created is not too great; otherwise, the blade will lose its temper and will not be able to maintain an edge. Another method is to use a sharpening steel to true the blade. When steel is employed to sharpen the blade none of the metal is removed. Instead, the tiny metallic fibers that have folded over from cutting are pushed back into alignment. When using this metaphor I think of the Holy Spirit as the one who has the ability to create the initial edge through the grinding process. Then, once the blade has a fine edge, the mentors in our lives help keep it true through small adjustments that bring us back into alignment. I believe this is exactly the point of the proverb where one man sharpens another.

So how does one find a suitable mentor? For effective mentoring to occur you should select someone who is above your station in some aspect. You may want to learn a practical skill or, more importantly, you may wish to strengthen a character trait or even refine some of your values. When I say “above your station” I mean someone you can readily acknowledge exhibits a character quality you desire that is superior to your own ability. There is something significant about arriving at this admission. I call it a teachable spirit. Humility is an important factor in the mentoring relationship. Without it you will find that your ego is constantly getting in the way and you will soon discover yourself reacting defensively to the mentor’s honing instead of listening to his or her counsel.

There is another important consideration that you should keep in mind when looking for a mentor. Avoid choosing someone who exhibits a significant moral failure or who has a major flaw in their character. These things tend to pervade all aspects of their life. Their modeling will be flawed and their counsel will undoubtedly become tainted as well. Whenever possible, it is prudent to avoid placing yourself in situations where you have to separate the wheat from the chaff. Inevitably, some chaff always remains in the wheat.

Also, you need to be transparent with your mentor. The more you share about yourself, the better your mentor will be able to guide you. For instance, if you share with your mentor a decision you made and the resulting outcome then go a step further and share the motivations behind the decision and the feelings you experienced as a result of the outcome. Those two bookends provide much more information for your mentor to work with than what is in between. The decision and any analysis behind it provide a measure of your competence but the motivations and feelings reveal your heart and that is what your mentor needs to see to be most effective. Improvements in your competence are good but improvements in your character are of far greater value.

Finally, pray that God would bring wise mentors into your life. Proverbs 11:14 says, “…in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” What a blessing it is to have trusted mentors that can give you their counsel as you face the many challenges that life will throw at you along your journey. Look also for opportunities to be a mentor to others for, “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8).


No comments: