Friday, February 22, 2008

Granny Flipped Me Off

I was driving home from a meeting over coffee (well, chai actually) with my friend Chad yesterday when I encountered granny. I was driving on a two lane road that has been under construction since the end of the Jurassic age and came to a red light. On the other side of the intersection I could see a sign showing that the other lane --the left one-- ended and merged into mine. A 4x4 pickup pulled up next to me. You know the type: Large, loud, and altogether intimidating. The kind that is usually driven by a man who is trying to compensate for other shortcomings in his life, whatever they may be… I surmised immediately that as soon as the light turned green he would step on it to ensure that he would get ahead of me and not be forced to merge in behind me. Life is all about winning and losing for the overcompensators of the world. I knew I could take him with my Maxima but smiled to myself and conceded ahead of time that I would let him win. After all, it was his ego that was starving, not mine.


The light turned green and my stereotype proved accurate as the big 4x4 thundered to life and leapt out into the intersection leaving me in a cloud of dust and diesel. Fortunately, I had my AC set to recirculate for just such an occasion. Now, in my mental book entitled "Greg's Rules of Driving Etiquette" when one finds oneself in a merge situation there is an every-other-car rule. Apparently the guy in the punkmobile behind the pickup either hasn't read my book or doesn't think it applies to people who live at the center of the universe. You know what a punkmobile is, right? It's one of those cars driven by a young guy in has late teens or early twenties who's monthly insurance bill is more than his car payment. The ride is usually a Honda Prelude or Civic with the suspension removed that looks like a piece of crap decked out in chrome. It has dark windows too, of course, to prevent me from seeing inside, as if I were interested. The guy in the punkmobile is either trying to get high on diesel fumes or he's overcompensating too because he practically drives up into the bed of the pickup to ensure there isn't enough room for me to take my rightful place in the black cloud.



As I pass through the intersection and approach the merge sign I check my mirror and notice that there is a third car to my left who's driver is apparently oblivious to the fact the lane they are in is ending. It's a nice clean Ford Taurus. You know, the kind of car that is driven by little old ladies to church on Sunday. I'm not sure what she was doing out on a Thursday during rush hour but there she was with her little blue wheelchair permit bouncing back and forth over two bony hands in a death grip at the top of the steering wheel while she put everyone else in harm's way. Apparently she comes to the conclusion that I am not going to yield for her even though she is behind me and I have nowhere to yield to unless I want to harvest the construction cones to my right. Her face transforms into that of a dyspeptic gargoyle as she brakes, swerves in behind me, and plants one of her bony hands firmly on the horn to give me a lecture.



This is where things get ugly. I raised my hand an pointed to the merge sign on the right to justify myself. It was a useless gesture since we had already passed it and as soon as I did it I realized it was a mistake. I saw a look of shock appear on Granny's face but it was quickly replaced by rage. If she had clenched her teeth any harder I'm sure her dentures would have exploded and fragmented teeth would have blown out all over the front windshield. Then she took her gnarled fist off the horn and to my utter horror she extended one defiant, bony, finger toward me. I'm sure she saw my jaw drop via my rear-view mirror. I'm sure that I will have that image indelibly burned into my memory for the rest of my life.



As we pulled up to the next light I thought about getting out of my car and explaining to Granny that it was all a misunderstanding but I quickly realized that a good outcome was not likely so I just sat there under her recriminating gaze. Fortunately she turned at that intersection before she could bore holes through the back of my head and I was able to continue on in peace. At this point I took a nice deep breath and let it all go.



During the remainder of my drive home I thought about my encounter with Granny. The whole thing was kind of funny really, and it dawned on me that there must be an illustration in there somewhere. Here are some possibilities:



They don't make Grannies like they used to.
"My what bony fingers you have Grandma." "All the better to flip you off with my dear."
Objects in this mirror may be more sociopathic than they appear.



All kidding aside, I think there really is a lesson here about judgments. I made several about the drivers of the vehicles around me. Maybe the person in the truck --I don't even know if it was a guy-- was on the way home from the store with some medicine for a sick daughter. And maybe the person in the punkmobile was almost out of gas and thought they could make it home if they stayed in the pickup's draft. Okay, that's a stretch but I really couldn't come up with a valid reason they were such a jerk. And that leaves Granny. I'm not even going to try to defend her driving but I can certainly see how she might have gotten confused and thought I was cutting her off. With eyesight and higher brain functions so obviously impaired, it's no surprise that she also misinterpreted my "helpful" gesture as an in-your-face coup de gras.



I wonder how many times I have made a mistaken judgment about someone? I wonder how many times my higher brain functions or higher heart functions have been impaired and I have responded inappropriately? So, the lesson here for me is one that I have asked God for many times. I've asked the Lord to help me respond rather than react. Yesterday he showed me how ugly it can be when someone reacts rather than responds. I doubt I would have heard the message if the person hadn't been a sweet little old lady. Thank you Lord for the lesson.


"Oh, and Lord… Next time Granny goes down that road can you let her see the merge sign correctly?"

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