Thursday, January 3, 2008

Wishy Washy

Early last year I had the opportunity to receive some feedback from a group of people regarding how they perceived me. Although they did not know me well they had an opportunity to observe my interactions with them and others for short period of time and I had given them my consent to provide this feedback. In short, and without all the gory details, they gave me the label "Wishy Washy".

Wishy Washy? I asked them for more explanation but they seemed inclined to let me spend some time figuring it out on my own. After I thought about it for a bit I came to the conclusion that the label they should have given me would be something like "Chameleon". I liked that label. I supposed that they observed my versatility in action and thought that it demonstrated a weakness in my character. Many people put on a chameleon personae because they want people to like them. I have been guilty of that occasionally but I don't consider it to be a major character issue. No doubt they thought that I had a low self-esteem and put on a mask so that people would like me when the truth of the matter is that I look for common ground between myself and others and engage them in those areas to form a relational bridge. As the Apostle Paul said, "I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." I came to the conclusion then that what they saw as a limitation was instead a strength from my perspective.

Then a funny little thing happened that I like to call "2007". In the last minutes of "2007", as many of my friends and family were over at our house to celebrate the arrival of the new year, I began my prayer with the following: "Dear Lord, I am thankful that 2007 is over…". I hope God has a sense of humor. Every year has its ups and downs but 2007 was more like the Himalayas and the Mariana Trench.

When I was a kid my grandmother had an ancient washing machine that still had a wringer on the top. After the clothes had been washed you would put them between the rollers on the wringer to squeeze the water out so that they would dry faster on the clothes line. I was fascinated by the immense pressure the wringer applied and how much water the rollers could squeeze out. I remember the first time my grandmother actually let me put some clothes through it. It was a big moment for me because the wringer was always taboo. Grandma insisted that if left to our own devices we kids would get our fingers caught and the wringer would swallow up our whole arm. Grandma had lost most of the fingers on one hand in a printing press accident when she was sixteen so she was always very careful of everyone else's fingers. For someone who was so conscientious of lost appendages, I could never understand why she had a house so full of mechanical devices that would turn you into breakfast sausage if you weren't continually vigilant. There were wringers, mixers, fruit juicers, and metal bladed fans that were, in grandma's words, "wicked". In grandma's world these devices had evil hearts bent on destruction and they plotted and schemed how they could lure small children in with the promise of pleasure so they could then wreak havoc on them. For me, 2007 was a lot like grandma's collection of wicked appliances. I feel like I went through life's wringer and most of the life blood was wrung out of me. A bit of a hyperbole perhaps but it serves as a fair analogy too.

I thought of listing the major events of 2007 in a good vs. bad format but that is not so simple. Some events seemed bad but turned out for the good whereas in other cases it was the reverse. Wisdom would seem to suggest that it is impossible to make such judgments when our perceptions are so limited. I can put together a list entitled "Things That Put Me Through the Wringer in 2007" and leave it at that (somewhat chronological):

- Strained family relationships
- Relational challenges with colleagues
- Medical insurance disputes
- Focus
- Dynamic Marriage training
- Decision to pursue full time ministry
- Stock options become worthless
- Brendon's high school graduation
- Disneyland vacation
- Fears of layoff
- Medical costs
- My father moving overseas
- Brendon leaving home
- Brendon attending Anthem
- Loss of job to outsourcing
- Uncertainty of employment in Boise
- Chemically dependant mother
- Grandmother suffering from Alzheimer's
- Financial stress
- The painful trials of a good friend
- Uncertainty regarding my future at Vineyard Boise


Needless to say, this kind of stress has put a strain on otherwise healthy aspects of my life like my marriage and other close relationships. For the first time in a long time I have had to fight against the raging beast of depression. It's also been a long, steady struggle rather than a series of skirmishes. I wish I could proclaim victory but in truth I am still struggling with it. In truth I now understand the "Wishy Washy" aspect of my character. When trials come and pressures mount I seek to retreat to a place of safety. This is a conditioned response from my childhood. The very convictions that I felt so passionate about before seem to become anchors that pull me down and prevent me from finding the illusory safe haven that my fear would have me seek. Instead of Paul's encouraging words I am continually haunted by those of James" "...he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Well, there it is… (said in the perfunctory fashion of Emperor Joseph II in the movie Amadeus) So where to go from here? Good question. I know what Wishy Washy would do. He would let go of all the commitments and responsibilities that create stress and retreat to a self absorbed solitude filled with simple pleasures like computer games and fantasy novels. Perhaps he would find a job on the Kwajalein atoll in the tropics where his dad lives and go scuba diving with him. To appease my sense of guilt I could even pore myself into theological study and tell myself I'm preparing for future ministry. A future that will never arrive because when it does I'll just run and hide from it when the going gets tough.

So there's a start. I know what I won't do. And now that I have made it public, I have robbed the temptation of some of its power. That's one of the key advantages I have found to being authentic. So, again, where to go from here? I intend to stay committed to the ministries God has called me to unless something else prevents me. I am personally committed to stay in Boise unless God or circumstances direct me to leave. I haven't heard a specific word from the Lord regarding whether he will make a place for us here or if he is preparing a place for us elsewhere. It may end up that God sends us elsewhere and/or necessity demands it if I can't find employment in Boise. If this is the case I vote for Kwajalein and I promise not to kick against the goads too hard if it is.

I believe that our move to Boise was a God thing. When Sharon first mentioned the idea ten years ago I couldn't fathom leaving behind the relationships we had formed and the great job that I had at the time. Over the following six months things changed for the worse and God provided a place for us in Boise. Had I stayed I would have lost my job within the year. I want to stay in Boise too but even now I see doors closing that I previously thought had been opened for us to step through. I can't go into detail but suffice to say that there have been some disappointments and setbacks that have left us wondering if perhaps God is preparing us to take a fork in the road of our life journey.

Lord, I pray that you would work things out so that we can stay here. You know that in my heart Wishy Washy wants me to throw in the towel and start over but I pray that Sharon and I would walk in the center of your will for our lives. You have given me the freedom to plan the course in my life but reserved for yourself your sovereign right to determine my steps. Allow me to discern your will for us Lord and give me the courage to be obedient to it. I also pray that you would intervene in the lives of our dear friends who are struggling under the weight of such a heavy trial right now. Let us be a source of strength to them and speak only words of life to them. I feel like Jonathan caught between his love for his father Saul and his love for his friend David. Let all involved in these matters clearly hear your voice Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.

There's my dirty laundry. Filled with metaphors, allusions and even the occasional pun, all laundry related. I know, it's another serious and heavy blog but I did try to throw in some humor to make it more like that dirty shirt that you throw in the dryer for a few minutes with a dryer sheet to freshen it up. I suppose that there is more that could be said but some things are just too personal or involve other people and must be held in confidence. I had lunch with my new friend Jason yesterday (an accomplished writer/editor/publisher) and I admitted to him that I had received feedback that my blog was tipping the scales on the depressing side. He gave me some tips on humor and story telling so I gave it a shot (let me know if it worked buddy). Of course, I also told him that I had learned to sit on things for several days until the emotions had suitably subsided so that I could edit it when I was more rational. I have a feeling if I do that this time that I won't blog this at all so I'll do a quick grammar check and throw it up there. Sorry Jason.

2 comments:

brian jeansonne said...

Hey Greg! I just had an opportunity to sit down tonight and catch up on your blog. I am not going through any of these difficult times that you are experiencing, but for some reason, I just feel that I can relate. Thanks for sharing. Kristy and I will continue to pray for you and Sharon.

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