Marriage or Masquerade?

This past Sunday I wrote a bulletin article for our church on Marriage since we are in the Valentine's Day season and the Marriage on Purpose ministry that I am involved with needed some promotion for its upcoming Valentine's Banquet. What I actually wrote ended up being more from my heart than I had planned at the outset but that is what I felt God prompting me to do.

Marriage or Masquerade?

With Valentine’s Day coming up and romance in the air I was thinking recently about a dream that I’ve had for many years. A dream to go on a Mediterranean cruise with my wife (Sharon). I pictured us standing at the railing, holding hands and gazing into the sunset as the ship sailed effortlessly along the coast of Southern Italy. I could almost feel the warm ocean breeze on my face as I gazed into her eyes. But what was I really looking for? The cruise? I’d often commented in the past that cruises sounded rather boring. No, it wasn’t that. After thinking about it for a while I realized that what I really wanted was a deeper connection with Sharon. I wanted some time with her. I wanted more romance in our relationship and that is something I can do right here at home.

What about you? Do you want to connect with your spouse on a deeper level? Do you want to rediscover the excitement you felt when you first met? Do you doubt that is possible?

Let me tell you a story about a couple I know. Gary and Sarah had what many would call a happy marriage. Gary had a good job and was active in his church. Sarah was a devoted homemaker who was very committed to ministry in their church. Both of them knew that they hadn’t invested in their relationship like they should but depended on their faith and their commitment to each other to get them by. They promised themselves that they would change things in the future after they got through the current busy season in their lives. But their life seasons came and went just like the ones on the calendar and little changed. They grew ever more distant and barely realized it.

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Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
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Then, in a very short period of time a significant family crisis developed and their lives went into a tailspin. To make matters worse, Gary and Sarah soon realized how weakened their relationship had become from the years of neglect. Instead of responding with mutual support for each other they lashed out and walled themselves off. After twenty years of marriage Gary and Sarah had hit one of their lowest points and were in a place they never thought they’d find themselves. Was their marriage near the end? No, not even close but things were not at all what they should be.

Let’s take a timeout from our story. What happened here? Can you identify with this couple in any aspects of your marriage? How do you handle crises? Studies show that the average family experiences some form of crisis about every six months. Do you allow them to divide you or do you tackle them together and grow stronger in the process? Is there a vibrant, healthy friendship that you can draw on to get you through the hard times? If not, and I suspect this may be the case for many of you, are you willing to do what it takes to get your relationship on track?

So, what did Gary and Sarah do? Well, for starters they cried out to God for help. Gary began reading a marriage devotional book, “Capture Her Heart” by Lysa TerKeurst in his desperate attempt find help and found the answer he was looking for. And then God made something crystal clear. To climb out of this was going to take more than just knowing all the right answers. It was going to take some action that would involve a serious commitment. So, Gary sat down with Sara and verbalized his commitment to her, knowing that this was a very important step. At first Sarah was afraid to believe Gary and it took nearly two months of persistence on Gary’s part before Sarah felt it was genuine and began to respond. What followed was simply amazing. Gary and Sarah experienced friendship, intimacy, and oneness in their marriage like never before.

About now you’re probably wondering what this amazing revelation of Gary’s was. Well, it’s pretty simple really. It was something that Sarah had told to him many times. Gary realized that what was needed was regular, quality time with Sara and that it was going to take some sacrifices to make it happen. He was going to have to be a lot less selfish, sacrifice some of his own pursuits, and give that time to Sarah. There were also some important things that Gary was going to have to give up, even some commitments he had made related to his ministry involvement in his church. It wasn’t easy. For the first time in his life Gary began truly living for Sarah. Was it worth it? You better believe it!

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But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
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And now I need to strip off the shiny veneer and make a confession. The names above were fictitious. The story is really the story of Greg and Sharon over the past year and a half. Was this a difficult admission for me? Yes and no. It is somewhat difficult because of my involvement in marriage ministry to admit that I fell short at the very thing that I am so passionate about. However, I also realize that if perfection is the standard for ministry leaders then we wouldn’t have any. In fact, it is my deep commitment to my own marriage and yours that demands that I be open with you about my shortcomings as well as my successes. On-the-other-hand, this was fairly easy because I have not kept our struggles a secret. We shared these things with our friends, mentors, and ministry partners who prayed for us and supported us as we went through this challenging time. And that is as it should be.

So where do things stand today? Far better than before. I’d like to say that everything is perfect but we still have our mountains and valleys. In fact, our new habit of spending time together has been interrupted quite a bit recently due to several lengthy business trips followed by a catch-up period, the holidays, and our son Brendon’s surgery. But we are getting back on track. We truly experienced marriage on a whole new level and are now committed that we will never settle for less. In fact, we are now on a journey to find out just how many levels exist above our current one. We have caught a glimpse and are bursting at the seams with excitement for what is yet to come. We are truly blessed by God and all of you in our community here at the Vineyard.

Now, let’s take the focus off my marriage because the whole point of this illustration was to inspire you to take a close look at yours. So, let’s go there. Are you satisfied with your relationship? Are you living for your spouse? Are you best friends? Can your relationship survive the storms that are headed your way? Is your marriage all that it can be or are you settling for something far less? Why? Are your own pursuits giving you the joy you really want or are you finding, like me, that they are a very poor substitute for real oneness?

Maybe you’re wondering where you can start. Well, let’s open up the fire hydrant and let the ideas flow: Spend time together, talk, listen go on regular (weekly) date nights, pray together, find hobbies and interests you both enjoy, engage in recreation together, make yourself a student of your spouse, read a book on marriage, read proverbs together in the morning over coffee, watch a love story together and cry on each other’s shoulders. And here’s my personal favorite: Share with each other what a perfect intimate time together would be like on a scale from one to ten and see if you can achieve it (be forewarned that there may be additional levels that you have not yet imagined).

If that last suggestion offended anyone let me ask you this: Would you rather talk about marriage openly (with healthy boundaries) or would you rather hear about another failed relationship that ended in divorce? I would suggest that it is more important than ever in our culture that we discuss the uncomfortable topics. Many couples are missing out on what God created marriage to be. Instead, they settle for far less than what true intimacy has to offer. In a culture where relationships have become disposable it is imperative that we discuss the incredible blessings of true intimacy.

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Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
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If you would like to begin a new journey with your spouse there are a couple events coming up that I would invite you to consider. First, our Marriage on Purpose ministry will have a Valentine’s Banquet on Friday, February 9th. Our them this year is: “An Evening in Paris” and our hope is to bless you with a romantic evening with your spouse amongst friends. There will be food, fellowship, entertainment, dance, and fun for all. You can get all the details from the announcement in this bulletin. Second, there is a Family Life – Weekend to Remember conference coming up March 23rd-25th. We’ve been twice and these conferences are a fantastic way to reconnect with your spouse so. watch the bulletin for upcoming details. Finally, if you are really serious about taking your relationship up a notch you can always feel fee to talk to me for more information about these events or other possibilities.

May God richly bless you and your marriage and I hope you experience a deeply romantic Valentine’s Day!